Friday, December 08, 2006
hmm...ok another topic today.... loneliness....do everyone has the feeling of being lonely sometimes in their lives? has u ever think what kind of person u r like in ur frens' heart?hmm....lonely....physically or mentally? most of the time i guess i am mentally lonely.... when u r physically lonely, u hope for someone to be there...but there was none..... mentally lonely..even if someone is there u still feel lonely....deep in ur mind, heart and soul...why? cos someone is not there? cos something is lacking between ur frens? or is it cos u choose to be lonely?...i have no idea....i guess i jus like to be alone sometimes... living in the world of my world?
i have tried times to socialize more with frens , to find more frens....however, the harder i try, the worse i feel...haha....however some ppl i dun even have to try , but naturally i will jus like to talk to them.... is it something wrong with my attitude?... lols... many ppl has give a name of as boy (anti-social boy), i guess i jus need to overcome the blockage in my thinking , my heart....no one is perfect, so why not try to accept ppl weakness as long as they are sincere... i guess a lot of times, i am jus too lazy, scared to have fren, i dunno why , cos in my heart i am suspecting will i treat them with my sincerity or jus knowing them jus in case we need their help?
however, when we ask our fren for help, it is okay,as we help each other... but if i make a fren and think of using him b4 i befriend him , most of the time i chose not to.i have no idea is my thinking abit weird and abnormal...but i have frens who had been make use by others and i experienced several times....i jus hate the feeling of betrayal, distrust and backstab and being used.....i guess ppl will tend to talk behind ppls back...even i do...but i do question myself....why do i do so?
do i do it with evil intention of ruining one reputation?hope no....but most of the time i jus say without thinking or merely in a jking manner, even right in front of the person face, i will sometimes talk with sarcasm...hais... i really dun mind ppl doing that to me...so i always thot that it is ok for frens to talk with sarcasm...but i am wrong...it does hurt one feelings...i have made frens cried, i have lost fren....and many ppl tell me to use my brain when talking.... i guess that is where my fear of talking to ppl, especially girls...cos i hate to see girl cries... i have made girls cry, make boys cry.... the sense of guilty always remain....did i really rub salt on their wounds?i dunno...i really dint mean too...
i guess sometimes i am jus acting righteous and full of principles? i dunno....even when i think so, i jus keep on sticking to it.... what's wrong with me?lols...will i ever change? i hope so....being more flexible and use my brain....think b4 i talk...but wun it be tiring to think everytime b4 u talk?i have nooo idea....hmm....what shud i do? lols.... i really will try harder, i will .... i guess i shud jus change my way of talking...cos even my cousin is doing in my way too...i see my shadow lurking in his eyes....he is getting more sarcastic, and he says ppl start to dislike him....hope he shall not be another of my kind lols....stop right where it is necessary....
why do ppl have to put on a false front?acting strong when u r not....acting kind when u r not....acting for the sake of seeking attention.... acting u like someone when u do not....cheating ppl feelings, cheating others' feelings..... do u feel happier? or do u feel more miserable? but neither way is the way out cos when ppl put on a mask when facing u, u will be in disadvantage when u be truthful, and more miserable things will come.... hais....i hate it....guessing the thots and feelings and intentions of others....
however, now to those who i know longer and better.... i take the risk of thinking i have understand them enough.. so i think i dun have to guess it cos i know what exactly is it all abt when seeing their actions and expression...but most of the time i choose to trust them since i already know them for so long....cos if i dun trust u, u wun be in my life....am i doing the wrong thing of guessing ppl thots?
if ppl are putting a false front, will they be more sad when i expose them and tried to help them? shud i do it, shud i be so nosey?.... but sometime being nosey can save one's life and be a great help to them, but this is not always the case....i have experience both situation b4, so if i do ever try to help..pls dun be saddened or annoyed....cos i am jus trying to tell u i want to help,cos u mean a lot to me....if i dun care for u, i wun even care how r u feeling, right? lols....
I Will Find My Way,I Want A Different Way.After The Wind And Rain,There Will Be A Brand New Day.I Will Find My Way,I Want A Different Way.Nothing Will Stop Me Now,No Matter What They Say.
posted at 12:46 AM
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